I'm a little excited to be getting back into this xanga thing. As I look back at all my old posts I found that I was remarkably honest about every facet of my life. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I can go into that sort of detail anymore. I don't know what it is but, I feel like I've reverted back to my 9th grade self; that is I'm just as sensitive as I was then. My formative bad ass years have come to an end. Its like a reverse cocoon effect--the confidently girthful butterfly with a hell of a wing span flew back into that slimy casing only to find itself a wry and week caterpillar again. My life goes in cycles and it revolves around my need for attention and love.

Yesterday was so great, Lee and I found ourselves talking over burgers and beer at parishes for 4 or so hours. I appreciate Lee's friendship more and more over the almost 3 years we have known each other. We've watched each other grow and we've also gotten to the root of each other. She made me feel much better about the current situation I'm in. Maybe she is right, I take life, and love way too seriously. At 21, I feel like I have to look at the big picture more than ever. Each decision I make is a potential variable in the future. Why date a girl you can't see yourself marrying? Why take a class that won't benefit your career? Why make the effort to make new friends when you already neglect so many of your own?

I'm an analyzer. Each new thought that pops in my head relates to an old thought that recurs over and over again. All the shame, deceit, humiliation, happiness, agony, accomplishment... so on and so forth, cloud my mind on a daily basis, and all at one time. It is a small wonder that chewed up piece of bubble gum in my skull hasn't  melted into a gooey spearminty paste. Small because there are so many other things going on in the world, yet I am so self absorbed--I swear that I spend at least 15 min in the mirror a day tending to my mangy facial growth.

You know, love is letting go. In a lot of ways, the girls that I always thought were gonna regret never ending up with me(for the rest of their lives) are, today, pretty happy. In my 5 year legacy of moving on from girl to girl and then to girl (sometimes within weeks of each other) I've found that I'm actually much happier when I know that those girls, God bless em, are happy, or at least content. "Love is supposed to be this bad, make you cry, super ultra sad" Its all just part of the process I guess. Its okay that I have to repeat "She's happy, be happy" like 200 times a day because as sad as I want people to think I am, I truly believe that.